WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
