I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
