Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
