Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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