It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
