I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
