Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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