If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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