watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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