i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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