Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
