This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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