If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
