I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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