did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
