nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
