i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
not ubering you a puppy
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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