If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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