Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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