He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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