I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
