Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
