first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You're like the curious george of whores
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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