I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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