God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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