I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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