Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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