So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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