Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
