Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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