youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
