When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
