so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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