I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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