Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
