I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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