can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
