To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
