i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
