Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
