My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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