I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
