yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
