No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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