Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
