Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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