i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
