Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
