At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
