I have demons in me.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
