There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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