Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
